Every year my mom has me write my Christmas list in a letter to Santa. This is not a lie in any way, shape, or form. Until recently she did not accept the letter in email format, but instead had me seal the letter with peppermint oil and put gumdrop stamps on the envelope. Although that is essentially a lie, I would not have put it past my mother had it not been a waste of paper and/or candy.
Over the past 5 or 6 years I've started jazzing my Christmas letters up to mesh with the current times and to keep myself entertained. Although if the REAL Santa ever got a hold of these mockeries I would certainly be getting a stocking full of coal now wouldn't I, hmmmmm??? I look at these annoying, yet trendy letters jam-packed with pizazz as punishment to my parents for lying to me about where the hell all those gifts came from until I was about 13.
ANYHOW, I figured because these letters keep me so entertained year after year I would post the latest version for everyone to read. It dribbles as follows:
Dear Santa Montana,
In this increasingly pop-ee world, cast your blonde wig off for just a moment and relish in the times when you were good and grey. Cast off the cape of commercialism and stop to smell the candy canes, dag nabbit! Now breathe… focus… gentley rub that ‘bowl full of jelly’…
Now that I have your attention, it has been brought up that I need to present you with some forms of gift ideas. This is proving more difficult than I had anticipated as I already have most everything I need, so I guess I’ll delve in to things that I merely want. Some of these items are a bit outstretched, but any hands you could lend would be greatly appreciated…
World PIZZA!... world peace is over-rated, and everybody could use a slice!
A JOB. I like REI and all, but if you could just cement me in something that pays well and keeps me interested for about 35-40 hours a week I would really appreciate it. I’m hurtin, fat man.
A super cool merino wool argyle sweater from Target (This one in the Olive color is my favorite, but I like the Fountain Color one as well. Either/both would be cheeky enough)
A classic Sega Genesis with games such as Aladdin or The Lion King
A good book
A good movie
A gift card to any number of places (REI, Chipotle, AMC, Moes Southwest Grill, Amazon, etc)
A high five
Merino Wool Socks and/or festive boxers
This is about all the ideas I can muster, and I know some of them are a longshot but it was hard enough for me to come up with ideas as it is! Really, anything you can have the elves scrimp together would be cool with me because I’m sure the economic crisis has even hit the north pole. The elves have probably had to endure benefit reductions, lost hours, and pay cuts to compensate for the flailing economy so I’m down with whatever you can sling my way. Hopefully you’ll be driving the hybrid sled this year to give the reindeer a break. Anyhow, happy holidays and see you somewhere in and around the chimney.
Your #1 Fan,
Rick
Well it's not my best work, but I refused to spend any amount of real time editing it for clarity because usually it's just moms, pops, and brohambino that read it. Don't you feel privileged to be in the circle of Christmas cheer ch-rust? Hope everyone has all their shopping done already, the days are flying off the calender and the fat man cometh any day now...
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